Don’t let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29)

Have you ever gone to the fridge or where you store your fruit and vegetables and found something that put you off your food? Lurking at the bottom was something sinister that once resembled an orange or carrot, but it had slipped into the corner and been forgotten. Maybe it had turned into a furry monster or become a squidgy mush. Either way, it wasn’t going in your mouth! You bravely disposed of it, then had to clean up after the mess it made.

You discovered an ‘unwholesome’ food item. That’s what the word means in the verse quoted here. It literally means rotten or putrid, something that’s gone off, hence worthless. It can also mean corrupt or depraved. I’m sure you’ll agree it’s unpleasant. That’s why verses in the Word of God like this are so potent: they use stark images to show the power of the words we speak to one another.

Words are incredibly important, aren’t they? They’re not just tools of communication; they have a power far beyond that:

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

(Proverbs 18:21)

Notice the food analogy there? The words we speak have the power to bring life or to kill. There’s an old saying: sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me. You don’t have to live long in this world to know that’s not true: words can destroy a person or make them feel fantastic. ‘I hate you’. ‘I love you’. Just those two little sentences demonstrate this. Every word we speak has the power of life or death; to bless or curse, to heal or hurt.

Where do our words come from?

The words we speak don’t just appear on our lips, they have a source: our hearts. Jesus spoke many times about the way we speak. This is probably the most well-known example:

Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognised by its fruit….Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good person brings good things out of the good stored up in them, and the evil person brings evil things out of the evil stored up in them. But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the Day of Judgement  for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted and by your words you will be condemned. (Matthew 12:34-37)

Jesus tells us that we store up the words we listen to and believe; we store them in our hearts, in our inner being. They become part of us. I become the words I listen to, the words I choose to let into my heart. If I’m listening to gossip, to those who are critical of others, to sarcasm, hatred, if I engage in conversations that tear others apart, if I’m argumentative, delight in being contrary, or are just plain rude, that’s the kind of person I become. Of course, if I listen to words and engage in conversations that are the total opposite to this, then I become what Jesus calls the good person. Jesus says whatever is stored in me will come out in my words: out of the overflow of my heart my mouth speaks what I’ve stored in it. Then he says that one day I will have to account to God for the way I’ve spoken. Wow!

Now, for our purpose, let’s mention the word Jesus uses here for ‘bad’. Yes, you’ve guessed it: it’s the same word Paul uses in Ephesians 4:29 for ‘unwholesome’. (So many food analogies!) In order for me to speak what is helpful for building others up, I first of all have to adopt a lifestyle of receiving into my heart words which will do that. Once I realise the power of the words I let in, the Holy Spirit is going to make me very sensitive; He is the filter that every conversation I listen to, every word I read, every comment made about somebody, every attitude I have, must pass through. I only want ‘good things’ to store up in my heart.

Let’s consider a few ways we can build others up in the way we speak to them and about them. I am discovering how essential they are for us to flesh out this verse.

Be a good listener

This might seem a strange place to start; but I am increasingly convinced of its importance; it sets the direction for what I say.  Before you speak, listen to the person who is speaking to you and listen to the Holy Spirit for what is being said and how to respond. Be interested in what others are saying; don’t just talk about yourself. Ask them about them. Take an interest in them. Wait until they have finished their sentence; don’t interrupt or talk over them. Give them your full attention; don’t look over their shoulder! I have had to work on this; I used to be somebody who was quite the opposite of what I’ve just described, not really listening or engaging, but often keen to get my words out, or making it very clear I couldn’t wait to end the conversation. I came to realise that when Jesus was talking to someone or listening to them, that person was the most important person in the world to Him. He really listened, and people felt He gave them dignity, even though He often spoke to them without beating around the bush!

Don’t get personal

In university we had tutorial groups in which we would discuss and debate theological subjects. One of us would argue a particular view, another would present a completely contrary view. They were an important part of my learning. Our tutor laid down one sacrosanct ground rule; we were forbidden to engage in personal attacks – what is called ad hominem (‘to the person’) practice. I could – and did – totally disagree with the case my fellow student presented; I could tell him it was illogical, weak, wrong; how could he think it had merit? He could do the same to me. But if either of us crossed a line and made it personal  – ‘you are an idiot for believing that; you are so stupid; you are thick’ – then the tutor would stop us and tell us we had lost the argument. We had engaged in personal attacks.

This is a massive issue in the world today; and social media must shoulder much of the responsibility. It seems that to hold a contrary view to somebody means they can insult you in the most pejorative ways; even ‘cancel’ you. The art of discussion and debate, of vigorous disagreement while valuing the other person, to be friends with somebody who holds totally different views from you, is in decline. As a Christian I have strong convictions on many issues; I have friends who hold different, even opposing views. We can discuss and dissect each other’s point of view, but we never get personal. Don’t try to win the argument and lose your friend in the process.

The Royal Law

If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, “Love your neighbour as yourself,” you are doing right. (James 2:8)

Jesus said in Mark 12:30-31, that this royal law, along with loving God with all that we are, together form the Greatest Commandment. How does this apply to the way we speak? In the royal law I am instructed to treat people the way I would have them treat me. Regarding what comes out of my mouth it means that I should speak to others the way I’d like them to speak to me. And even if they don’t reciprocate, then I will still speak to them in a manner that fulfils the royal law. I will also speak about people the way I would have them speak about me; I won’t gossip about them or destroy their integrity or reputation to others. I won’t engage in destructive conversations about people. Someone once told me, ‘If you can’t find something good to say about somebody – find something good!’ Much better than saying nothing.

It might well be that others will not treat you the way you treat them. They may say all manner of bad things about you and insult you. You might get ‘cancelled.’ Jesus said that can happen (Matthew 5:11); but you are different: nothing putrid passes your lips.

Encouragement

There’s a saying: nobody died from too much encouragement. I like that! I believe that one of the most powerful tools in our vocabulary is encouragement. To encourage somebody strengthens them (that’s what the word means). To encourage somebody lifts them up, it affirms them, it exhibits grace. Encouragement is the fuel of hope. And hope is all about the future; when I am encouraged by others their words give me the strength to go forward, to carry on, to walk through the valley of the shadow, to believe in myself, to grow in faith. Encouragement enables us to face the future with confidence, with hope and faith.

These days I consciously try to leave every conversation – face to face, text, email, WhatsApp, phone – with the person I have spoken to in a better place. I want them to think, ‘it was good to talk to Roger.’ And not only if they’re down, but even if we’ve just touched base about something quite inconsequential. I don’t want people to see my name in their inbox or appearing on their phone and they think, ‘Oh no, it’s Roger!’

Thanks

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Be encouraged: remember we’re all learning. Life is a process, celebrate the progress. Many blessings.