When I was given Ephesians 4:31 to reflect on, I’m not going to lie, I thought I pulled the short straw. It was January. Too cold. Too grey. Too cathartic. So, I asked if I could bolt on verse 32 for a bit of light relief.

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well

as all types of evil behaviour. Instead, be kind to each other, tender hearted,

forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”

See what I mean? (she laughs).

For those of you who are only here for the essence of this blog, here it is in two words: transformative power. And for those who are here for the layers, I can tell you that transformative power doesn’t always mean instant. At least it hasn’t, for me.

I think I’ve read these two verses a bazillion times and one thing hasn’t shifted and it’s this; that enormous leap from verse 31 to verse 32, via one lovely full stop[1].

I was taught that a full stop at the end of a sentence provides a natural pause for breath and reflection before going onto the next thought. And it’s here, between verse 31 and 32, that I think we really need one! Let’s be honest. It’s not that easy, is it? To get from the shouts of angry disappointment or the burning tears of bitterness to the happy, skippy, kind and compassionate emotional state of verse 32.

Something pivotal is happening between the full stop and the capital letter.

And it’s the place where transformative power meets me with one objective; to see me rise with a clean and hope filled heart.

He’s met me here so many times in my life before – I’ve come to affectionately call it the wrestling mat – and it’s here where He permits me to throw down, to push and shove and wrangle and manoeuvre, for the wisdom and understanding I so desperately need for my emotions to become aligned with His. And every time I find it so hard. After so many years I can sincerely say He is ok with my emotions – He’s big enough to handle them. All of them. (she smiles). And as I have wrestled with the injustices, the unfairness, the disappointments, the inequalities, the slippery suckers that always seem to come out shining but leave me reeling, I have found a Saviour who has the space for my anger and bitterness to be heard. Even better, to be understood. It’s here on this wrestling mat of renewal that the Lord Jesus sees me and understands all that I am going through and is kind enough, so utterly, truly kind, to help me wrestle these big feelings down into something way less engulfing. Yes. He’s been totally ok with my seeming lack of belief, with me grappling with the truth of the word against the reality of my own experience, and with every wriggle of rage His embrace has been so unyielding. It’s only a matter of time before my spirit breaks and His transformation begins to heal my soul. The situation and the outcome may not have changed, but I know that He alone has the power to allow me to rise from that mat, transformed, without callous, submissive but not resignatory[2] … He. The same Spirit that rose Jesus from the dead is waiting to create something beautifully new in my heart, if I let Him.

What triggers bitterness, anger, or the desire to fight within you? What experiences have led to feelings of rage, malice, or slander? Interesting isn’t it. What causes children of God – men and women, made in His image – to have these negative emotional responses and why?

I’m not just talking about the bites of bitterness that momentarily flare when there’s no parking spot outside your apartment. What about the bombs of injustice that also swell a tsunami of negative emotions? Yes. You’re in Christ. The fullness of Him lives inside of you … and yet you’re living in a degenerate world. There are situations outside of yourself that will cause the ugly to come out. Let me share a couple of examples from friends who have faced profound personal experiences. Trigger warning.

One experienced the loss of a newborn child, while another grappled with the betrayal of a spouse in marriage. Another saw their parent ravaged by cancer and the mid-lifer lost their financial pensions during an economic downturn. The future dreams of the teenager came crashing down mid-flight when their exam results didn’t yield the necessary grades, and the elderly family member no longer recognised his grandson because of degenerative disease. The abused, the maligned, the marginalised. Yes. Emotional struggles are multifaceted and influenced by various factors that serve to enrich our perspective. The examples are many, too many to list, and the feelings and emotions all so genuine because they belong to real people. They all hold the potential to evoke the ugly responses … and deservingly so.

And yet here we are, receiving godly wisdom in these two verses; to get rid of one set of legitimate emotional reactions and to take on a completely different emotional state.

Let me emphasize this: there’s a full stop for a reason.

Time.

There’s a place for reflection, for you to catch your breath and have your tears. Shout if you need to. There’s a time to express your grief and have those challenging conversations with God – but in all of it, don’t lose your perspective or your determination to overcome. The Holy Spirit is big enough to sit with you in this, He’ll help you wrestle it down and He is able to give us a greater understanding of who God is so that, even in our most harrowing of moments, we can overcome. How? By growing the goodness of God within us.

There’s a beautiful scripture in Psalm 61:2 that simply says “When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, lead me to the rock that is higher than I”. Our need is not to dismiss the feeling but to find refuge and strength when we are feeling overwhelmed. There’s only one person who does that for me.

The wrestling mat is tangible. I don’t know if you’ve ever read about a man in the Bible named Job, but his loss, suffering and distress are traumatic to read. Job openly expressed his frustration and grief. His honest dialogue pushed God, not in rebellion, but for understanding. And in His kindness, God showcased His wisdom, power and His sovereignty and with that perspective Job was able to rise with a clean heart – not a hard heart – and an ability to move forward with forgiveness, love and tender-hearted compassion. Redeeming features.

Between the full stop and the capital letter is the place where the “who we are” is shaped even more into the “who we are called to imitate”. The time is needed for the transformative power of God’s grace to work in us. And the beautiful twist in all this is, we’re not Job – it doesn’t have to be just us and God. We are not alone. We also have the choice whether to invite trusted, Holy Spirit filled family, friends and professionals into our situation for support and help. At different times my tribe have implemented various strategies, not limited to but including;

Listening with understanding[3]. Speaking graciously rather than pouring in trite responses.[4] They have put me in the way of trained, faith filled counsellors, from whom I could glean guidance and advice. In return, I have found a safe place to release bitterness. They have given me space to cultivate self-awareness which has helped me navigate my responses rather than act impulsively.[5] “Deep breath in for 4, hold for 4 and breathe out for 4”. Thank you. They have shared the word of God with me and stuck with me as I’ve waded through the whole ‘search me, try me, lead me’[6] thing. They have encouraged me with helpful words that have built me up[7]. They have played the ‘this or that game’, reminding me that I can choose peace[8]. They have given me books to read[9]– focused my mind on gratitude. Thrown on the music and encouraged me to dance and create, and in so doing my perspective has shifted away from negative feelings and released joy! They have been patient with me as I’ve been able to let go of grudges.[10] Their prayers have reduced the anxiety I’ve experienced and brought me peace.

Whether it’s a heartfelt conversation over coffee or a reassuring text message, these moments have been the bellows to my soul and spirit, and through it all I’ve emerged stronger. Equally important, their example has taught me how to use my strength responsibly, how to lead with humility and value the wellbeing of others.[11]

I knew this blog would be a bit of a deep dive.

The name of the game is transformation. As we navigate the complexities of bitterness, anger, and hurt, my encouragement is this; that we recognise that the journey towards the transformed life of greater kindness and compassion may not be easy, forgiveness doesn’t always come at the click of your fingers. The wrestling mat is very real and if you are currently in the trenches, you’re not alone. With the grace of God and those you invite to help, you can rise from it stronger, bolder, and more courageous than ever before.

[1] Caveat: I don’t know any Greek or Hebrew scholars and I’m blissfully unaware how the original manuscripts were written … so, I’m going with the English, which has a full stop.

[2] Resignatory – a neologism, a term coined by blending “resign” with “signatory” to describe someone who is resigning from a position or role

[3] Proverbs 20:5

[4] Proverbs 18:2

[5] James 1:19-20 & 1 Peter 2:21

[6] Psalm 139: 23-24

[7] Ephesians 4:29

[8] James 3:17-18

[9] ‘I Will Carry You’ by Angie Smith … Must Read. If nothing else, for the placement of the scriptures.

[10] 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

[11] Philippians 2:3-4